I don't know..

I don't know how I am feeling right now. I am feeling slightly sad, slightly needy, slightly blah. I need to be hugged. I need to be held. I need to be loved. I need something, something more than I can give myself. I guess I feel empty. Like I have this void that needs to be filled. It hit me suddenly today. Maybe it's because I have been looking up stuff about babies? Maybe it's because I was listening to stuff about gay marriage. Maybe those things made me vulnerable. Or maybe I was feeling this way already and then I searched for those things to find comfort. I can't really remember now. I think i'ts the latter, but regardless I still feel the same as I did this morning. :-(

Regrets..

I read something today that truly affected me, and although the affect was sadness, I hope that the thoughts/feelings I have right now do not leave me.

I read a blog of a family that recently lived in Haiti. They were doing Mission work. They recently found out that their little girl has a really aggressive form of cancer. I began reading their story and looking back at previous entries the mom and dad had written. It was so strange to see that just a month and a half ago the little girl was running on the beach and playing with her sister. She looked perfectly fine. And then all of a sudden, she got extremely sick and would not eat or walk. Just like that. Now she is in the hospital, dying. People can leave you in an instant, without being able to say goodbye. Your precious child can be here one day, laughing, smiling, and then gone the next. I think I am wasting too much time doing nothing. If my children died today I would have many regrets. I don’t want that to happen. I want to know that if for some reason God ever decides to take my babies from me, that I did the best I could. That I gave them a great life. That I loved them and appreciated them fully. Don’t want any regrets.

Losing my fat suit..

I actually joined weight watchers. I am really proud of myself. It's been one week and I have lost 4.8 pounds. Yay! The first day, they said I weighed 238.4. Ugh. I knew I had gained about 40 lbs. I was right. Well now I am a smaller 233.6. Even though it's so little, I can actually tell. My stomach is not sticking out as much as it used to. The good thing is, I still ate kinda what I wanted last week. I mean the whole point is to not only stay under your allotted points, but to also eat healthy, and don't forget about the exercising. Well, I have ate how much I should, ate a tiny bit better, and exercised a little bit more. It's progress. It's not all going to come at once, or come easy. At least I am doing something. I am hoping that I at least loose close to five pounds a week for the first month or so. Then if I loose at least 2 pounds a week after that, I will be down about 122 or so by the middle of next summer. I think I will aim for 140, and then see what happens at that point. I may not want t go any skinnier. That's about 1.5 pounds a week. I know I can do that. Even just not drinking soda would drop me down 1.5 pounds a week. God, I can't wait to be thin. I don't feel like I was meant to be a fat person. I have so much energy in my head, and so many ideas, and desires. I just can't imagine letting that all go to waste while I sit in this fat suit. It really is like a fat suit ya know. It's put on by laziness and over indulgence, and comes off with motivation, determination, and will. I just have to remember that I am in control, and that it's not going to be easy. That it's going to be a journey, and I am the only one on it with me.

Weight watchers..

So I am pretty sure that I am going to join Weight Watchers. Tomorrow is the open meeting. I am going to attend it and then decide. I really do want to lose weight. The thing is, I have a problem with commitment. If I knew that all I had to do was committ for one month and I would lose all this weight, I would be all over it. I HATE making long term committments though. Especially if it's going to be hard. Which I KNOW this will be. I am going to attempt to break my addiciton to food. WHich is hard in itself, but even harder because it's what I lean on when I am sad/depressed/angry/frustrated/etc. Now, I am not going to have food as a friend. I will have to be my own friend, and really deal with my feelings. This is going to suck. Except you know what won't suck? Is when I start losing weight and feeling better about myself. WHen I was about 160lbs and a size 11, I was still miserable. I hated my body. I thought my boobs were too small, and my ass and hips were too big. I hated how big my thighs were, and I hated my cellulite on the back of my ass. I thought I looked pregnant too. I was never happy. Looking back, I looked great. I would kill for that body now. Yes, I enjoy having really big boobs, but that is the ONLY positive thing about being this big. Well, that and that I can still handle my 140lb son when he gets out of control. ANyway, I am scared. I don't like chnage, but I know that some change is good. I am just so tired of being this fat. I have gained almost 40 lbs (I think) in the last 8 months, since I have had this new job. It's no good. Bleh!

My Passion...

So, I realized as I walked to work this morning that I have a passion, and it’s “thinking”. Can that be a passion? Maybe it’s not a passion because it’s sometimes involuntary, and sometimes I hate it. Maybe it’s an obsession. I definitely know it’s caused by my ADHD. I can’t stop it though. I sometimes I love it. My mind never stops. No matter what I am doing, I have fifty million thoughts running through my brain. How is that possible?

I really like to think. It’s like my passion. I really should start writing a blog religiously. Maybe I would be better. Maybe I would heal my old wounds. Maybe I would have fewer problems. Maybe it’s just all too much for my mind to keep in. Maybe all these thoughts are driving me crazy. I should write. I don’t write well though. I am not that witty or eloquent. I don’t have a big vocabulary. Why would I be writing? So that possible someone else would read it? What if no one wanted to hear what I had to say? My thoughts seem so interesting and crazy to me, but what if others were bored? How would I even find people to read my blogs? What would I write if I knew someone was reading them? Could I be myself? I think I would try to be too perfect. I never feel good enough to accomplish anything. I am trapped by my own insecurities.

I don’t know. Maybe my thoughts are not that important. What does one write about? What they think others want to hear? Or just everything they think? Or everything they feel like writing? Maybe I am making too big of a deal out of this. I should quit worrying so much. Ugh.

Change..

I got new glasses today..

They are cute...but they are really hurting my head..ugh

Also..I am getting my hair done tonight..

I am excited..and scared..

I HATE and LOVE change all at the same time..

We will see..

I realized two things just now..

That I feel really insecure walking and eating in front of people.

I was just walking to the copy room and popped a piece of candy in my mouth. I felt nervous about it, and self-concious. I was scared that someone was going to see me and think "Look at that fat girl stuffing her face." I wonder if people actually think that when they see me? I wonder if other girls feel the same way I do? I hate it. I hate being fat. Well...not always...I do LOVE having these huge boobs...they are kind of fun..

The other thing is..

My boss just said.."You know Kristy, I am really proud of you." And then went on to tell me why. I like to be praised. It feels very very uncomfortable, but I like it. It makes me feel good and it makes me do a better job. Also, it makes me feel extremely guilty for doing random non-work related things like blogging. That's why I am done typing...for now at least.. :-)