Thursday, July 30, 2009

Losing my fat suit..

I actually joined weight watchers. I am really proud of myself. It's been one week and I have lost 4.8 pounds. Yay! The first day, they said I weighed 238.4. Ugh. I knew I had gained about 40 lbs. I was right. Well now I am a smaller 233.6. Even though it's so little, I can actually tell. My stomach is not sticking out as much as it used to. The good thing is, I still ate kinda what I wanted last week. I mean the whole point is to not only stay under your allotted points, but to also eat healthy, and don't forget about the exercising. Well, I have ate how much I should, ate a tiny bit better, and exercised a little bit more. It's progress. It's not all going to come at once, or come easy. At least I am doing something. I am hoping that I at least loose close to five pounds a week for the first month or so. Then if I loose at least 2 pounds a week after that, I will be down about 122 or so by the middle of next summer. I think I will aim for 140, and then see what happens at that point. I may not want t go any skinnier. That's about 1.5 pounds a week. I know I can do that. Even just not drinking soda would drop me down 1.5 pounds a week. God, I can't wait to be thin. I don't feel like I was meant to be a fat person. I have so much energy in my head, and so many ideas, and desires. I just can't imagine letting that all go to waste while I sit in this fat suit. It really is like a fat suit ya know. It's put on by laziness and over indulgence, and comes off with motivation, determination, and will. I just have to remember that I am in control, and that it's not going to be easy. That it's going to be a journey, and I am the only one on it with me.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Weight watchers..

So I am pretty sure that I am going to join Weight Watchers. Tomorrow is the open meeting. I am going to attend it and then decide. I really do want to lose weight. The thing is, I have a problem with commitment. If I knew that all I had to do was committ for one month and I would lose all this weight, I would be all over it. I HATE making long term committments though. Especially if it's going to be hard. Which I KNOW this will be. I am going to attempt to break my addiciton to food. WHich is hard in itself, but even harder because it's what I lean on when I am sad/depressed/angry/frustrated/etc. Now, I am not going to have food as a friend. I will have to be my own friend, and really deal with my feelings. This is going to suck. Except you know what won't suck? Is when I start losing weight and feeling better about myself. WHen I was about 160lbs and a size 11, I was still miserable. I hated my body. I thought my boobs were too small, and my ass and hips were too big. I hated how big my thighs were, and I hated my cellulite on the back of my ass. I thought I looked pregnant too. I was never happy. Looking back, I looked great. I would kill for that body now. Yes, I enjoy having really big boobs, but that is the ONLY positive thing about being this big. Well, that and that I can still handle my 140lb son when he gets out of control. ANyway, I am scared. I don't like chnage, but I know that some change is good. I am just so tired of being this fat. I have gained almost 40 lbs (I think) in the last 8 months, since I have had this new job. It's no good. Bleh!