A look inside my head..

So the other day, I sent my partner/girlfriend (I never know what to call her) a text and then I thought about blogging about it. Then I stopped myself. I thought, no..what if someone actually sees through me, and they know I really have issues. Well..duh..I already admitted that to the world. I guess I just don't like being wrong. Or told I am wrong (or crazy). I just like to admit things myself. Anyway, here is the text...


Truth: sometimes the only emotion i feel like i am capable of feeling is sadness. (Which includes disspointment). And it ALL leads to anger. It all just feels really natural. Maybe because being happy makes me too vulnerable and open to worse pain? I don't know. And yes..you may be right..you may marry me and have a baby with me..and i may still want something more..the thing is..i have this huge hole in my heart..and i know for certain that there are things that will slowly fill it up. It may never fully close but i will damn sure not give up trying to make that happen, because I do believe that I can be really happy most of the time. And that’s what it takes right? Belief..hope..and motivation...


Her response: That makes sense.


LMAO!! She is a woman of few words. At least she got my point though. OR she thinks I am full of shit and agreed so I would shut up. Ha.


I don't know. Growing up in a really dysfunctional environment makes life a totally different experience for me. I don't trust anyone. I hardly trust myself. I constantly question all of my thoughts, all of my intentions, all of my feelings. I hate it. I have this life that I dream about, but never quite accomplish living it. Maybe I don’t try hard enough. Maybe I chose the wrong mate. Maybe it's just unrealistic. Who knows? Ugh.

What the hell am I talking about anyway?

We had a great weekend!!

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Tonight!

Katie and I are taking the kids to their first concert tonight. We are going to see Travie McCoy, Kesha, and Rihanna. My mom says the kids are too young. (I think my first concert was in High School, and it was to see a Christian Band. It was very low key. My mom is a little overly paranoid.) She says: people are going to be getting high. I say: people are always getting high every where in our city. What's new?! Oh well. We shall see. Hopefully people are not lighting up joints next to us. If they are, well, at least I like the smell. Ha.

Last night...

Last night was my fourth night with hardly any sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it was that I drank a soda too late on Monday. Maybe it was because Katie worked overnight Tuesday. Maybe it was because I stayed at my mom's Wednesday and slept on the couch with Marissa who kept me in a choke hold the entire night. Maybe it was because last night I was scared to be home alone with no Katie, Gabe, or Marissa so I kept myself awake thinking about things I could blog about. Or maybe it's becasue when I FINALLY fell asleep last night I kept having dreams that the kids and I were being held hostage and I was scared to death!! I don't realy know what the REAL reasons are. All I know is if I don't get some freakin' sleep soon, I am going to lose my mind. UGH!

I don't know..

I don't know how I am feeling right now. I am feeling slightly sad, slightly needy, slightly blah. I need to be hugged. I need to be held. I need to be loved. I need something, something more than I can give myself. I guess I feel empty. Like I have this void that needs to be filled. It hit me suddenly today. Maybe it's because I have been looking up stuff about babies? Maybe it's because I was listening to stuff about gay marriage. Maybe those things made me vulnerable. Or maybe I was feeling this way already and then I searched for those things to find comfort. I can't really remember now. I think i'ts the latter, but regardless I still feel the same as I did this morning. :-(

Regrets..

I read something today that truly affected me, and although the affect was sadness, I hope that the thoughts/feelings I have right now do not leave me.

I read a blog of a family that recently lived in Haiti. They were doing Mission work. They recently found out that their little girl has a really aggressive form of cancer. I began reading their story and looking back at previous entries the mom and dad had written. It was so strange to see that just a month and a half ago the little girl was running on the beach and playing with her sister. She looked perfectly fine. And then all of a sudden, she got extremely sick and would not eat or walk. Just like that. Now she is in the hospital, dying. People can leave you in an instant, without being able to say goodbye. Your precious child can be here one day, laughing, smiling, and then gone the next. I think I am wasting too much time doing nothing. If my children died today I would have many regrets. I don’t want that to happen. I want to know that if for some reason God ever decides to take my babies from me, that I did the best I could. That I gave them a great life. That I loved them and appreciated them fully. Don’t want any regrets.

Losing my fat suit..

I actually joined weight watchers. I am really proud of myself. It's been one week and I have lost 4.8 pounds. Yay! The first day, they said I weighed 238.4. Ugh. I knew I had gained about 40 lbs. I was right. Well now I am a smaller 233.6. Even though it's so little, I can actually tell. My stomach is not sticking out as much as it used to. The good thing is, I still ate kinda what I wanted last week. I mean the whole point is to not only stay under your allotted points, but to also eat healthy, and don't forget about the exercising. Well, I have ate how much I should, ate a tiny bit better, and exercised a little bit more. It's progress. It's not all going to come at once, or come easy. At least I am doing something. I am hoping that I at least loose close to five pounds a week for the first month or so. Then if I loose at least 2 pounds a week after that, I will be down about 122 or so by the middle of next summer. I think I will aim for 140, and then see what happens at that point. I may not want t go any skinnier. That's about 1.5 pounds a week. I know I can do that. Even just not drinking soda would drop me down 1.5 pounds a week. God, I can't wait to be thin. I don't feel like I was meant to be a fat person. I have so much energy in my head, and so many ideas, and desires. I just can't imagine letting that all go to waste while I sit in this fat suit. It really is like a fat suit ya know. It's put on by laziness and over indulgence, and comes off with motivation, determination, and will. I just have to remember that I am in control, and that it's not going to be easy. That it's going to be a journey, and I am the only one on it with me.