Friday, July 16, 2010

A look inside my head..

So the other day, I sent my partner/girlfriend (I never know what to call her) a text and then I thought about blogging about it. Then I stopped myself. I thought, no..what if someone actually sees through me, and they know I really have issues. Well..duh..I already admitted that to the world. I guess I just don't like being wrong. Or told I am wrong (or crazy). I just like to admit things myself. Anyway, here is the text...


Truth: sometimes the only emotion i feel like i am capable of feeling is sadness. (Which includes disspointment). And it ALL leads to anger. It all just feels really natural. Maybe because being happy makes me too vulnerable and open to worse pain? I don't know. And yes..you may be right..you may marry me and have a baby with me..and i may still want something more..the thing is..i have this huge hole in my heart..and i know for certain that there are things that will slowly fill it up. It may never fully close but i will damn sure not give up trying to make that happen, because I do believe that I can be really happy most of the time. And that’s what it takes right? Belief..hope..and motivation...


Her response: That makes sense.


LMAO!! She is a woman of few words. At least she got my point though. OR she thinks I am full of shit and agreed so I would shut up. Ha.


I don't know. Growing up in a really dysfunctional environment makes life a totally different experience for me. I don't trust anyone. I hardly trust myself. I constantly question all of my thoughts, all of my intentions, all of my feelings. I hate it. I have this life that I dream about, but never quite accomplish living it. Maybe I don’t try hard enough. Maybe I chose the wrong mate. Maybe it's just unrealistic. Who knows? Ugh.

What the hell am I talking about anyway?

Monday, July 12, 2010

We had a great weekend!!

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Friday, July 9, 2010

Tonight!

Katie and I are taking the kids to their first concert tonight. We are going to see Travie McCoy, Kesha, and Rihanna. My mom says the kids are too young. (I think my first concert was in High School, and it was to see a Christian Band. It was very low key. My mom is a little overly paranoid.) She says: people are going to be getting high. I say: people are always getting high every where in our city. What's new?! Oh well. We shall see. Hopefully people are not lighting up joints next to us. If they are, well, at least I like the smell. Ha.

Last night...

Last night was my fourth night with hardly any sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it was that I drank a soda too late on Monday. Maybe it was because Katie worked overnight Tuesday. Maybe it was because I stayed at my mom's Wednesday and slept on the couch with Marissa who kept me in a choke hold the entire night. Maybe it was because last night I was scared to be home alone with no Katie, Gabe, or Marissa so I kept myself awake thinking about things I could blog about. Or maybe it's becasue when I FINALLY fell asleep last night I kept having dreams that the kids and I were being held hostage and I was scared to death!! I don't realy know what the REAL reasons are. All I know is if I don't get some freakin' sleep soon, I am going to lose my mind. UGH!