Friday, July 16, 2010

A look inside my head..

So the other day, I sent my partner/girlfriend (I never know what to call her) a text and then I thought about blogging about it. Then I stopped myself. I thought, no..what if someone actually sees through me, and they know I really have issues. Well..duh..I already admitted that to the world. I guess I just don't like being wrong. Or told I am wrong (or crazy). I just like to admit things myself. Anyway, here is the text...

Truth: sometimes the only emotion i feel like i am capable of feeling is sadness. (Which includes disspointment). And it ALL leads to anger. It all just feels really natural. Maybe because being happy makes me too vulnerable and open to worse pain? I don't know. And may be may marry me and have a baby with me..and i may still want something more..the thing is..i have this huge hole in my heart..and i know for certain that there are things that will slowly fill it up. It may never fully close but i will damn sure not give up trying to make that happen, because I do believe that I can be really happy most of the time. And that’s what it takes right? Belief..hope..and motivation...

Her response: That makes sense.

LMAO!! She is a woman of few words. At least she got my point though. OR she thinks I am full of shit and agreed so I would shut up. Ha.

I don't know. Growing up in a really dysfunctional environment makes life a totally different experience for me. I don't trust anyone. I hardly trust myself. I constantly question all of my thoughts, all of my intentions, all of my feelings. I hate it. I have this life that I dream about, but never quite accomplish living it. Maybe I don’t try hard enough. Maybe I chose the wrong mate. Maybe it's just unrealistic. Who knows? Ugh.

What the hell am I talking about anyway?

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