My Krazy Self

A look inside my head..

2010-07-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

So the other day, I sent my partner/girlfriend (I never know what to call her) a text and then I thought about blogging about it. Then I stopped myself. I thought, no..what if someone actually sees through me, and they know I really have issues. Well..duh..I already admitted that to the world. I guess I just don't like being wrong. Or told I am wrong (or crazy). I just like to admit things myself. Anyway, here is the text...

Truth: sometimes the only emotion i feel like i am capable of feeling is sadness. (Which includes disspointment). And it ALL leads to anger. It all just feels really natural. Maybe because being happy makes me too vulnerable and open to worse pain? I don't know. And yes..you may be right..you may marry me and have a baby with me..and i may still want something more..the thing is..i have this huge hole in my heart..and i know for certain that there are things that will slowly fill it up. It may never fully close but i will damn sure not give up trying to make that happen, because I do believe that I can be really happy most of the time. And that’s what it takes right? Belief..hope..and motivation...

Her response: That makes sense.

LMAO!! She is a woman of few words. At least she got my point though. OR she thinks I am full of shit and agreed so I would shut up. Ha.

I don't know. Growing up in a really dysfunctional environment makes life a totally different experience for me. I don't trust anyone. I hardly trust myself. I constantly question all of my thoughts, all of my intentions, all of my feelings. I hate it. I have this life that I dream about, but never quite accomplish living it. Maybe I don’t try hard enough. Maybe I chose the wrong mate. Maybe it's just unrealistic. Who knows? Ugh.

What the hell am I talking about anyway?

We had a great weekend!!

2010-07-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

The kids loved the concert!! My mom was wrong. There were no pot smoking gang bangers there. However there WERE 5,000 skinny, young, white girls, with long hair, short dresses, and stilettos. The most inappropriate thing I saw was a teenage girl pretending to poll dance for a photo op. Luckily, my twelve year old boy missed that one. Ha! It was like a Roseville prom. I felt old and fat. I admit, I kind of wanted to push one of those skinny little girls down the stairs after watching the 100th one try to walk in her stilettos for the FIRST time, all while giggling and her flipping her hair. Ugh.

Saturday, Katie worked and both the kids had play dates, which left me alone. I never know what to do when I am alone. I feel really lost. It's like when I am not being a mom or a partner; I don't know what to do. My plan was to stay home and clean and watch House. Well, I managed to NOT do that. I went shopping, grabbed some lunch, stopped by my mom's for a quick hug (in which I accidently threw her whole bowl of popcorn all over the front room. Oops.), stopped by the library, and then picked Marissa up. I subconsciously made sure I was NOT alone the whole time. Go figure. Yes, I know, I have issues.

Once Marissa and I got home we decided to try out her new slip and slide. This was on a whim; which is why she is "naked". (Side note: she asked me yesterday why she can't wear a bikini; she would be so excited to know that I finally let her wear one. lol). So the slip and slide came with a boogie board, and she wanted me to show her to use it. Well my poor child did not realize that all 250 lbs of me would have a really hard time doing that. Apparently I didn't realize it either because I actually tried (unsuccessfully). I didn't break/hurt anything, but I also didn't really move. Marissa never got hang of the boogie board, but didn’t give up trying! She had a blast!

Sunday was nice as well. Katie FINALLY had a day off. We took the kids to a swim party. In which my very pale Katie got a little crispy and wanted to leave. My two water babies loved it though. We managed to make it home, just to have enough time to pack some food and head over to a swim/bbq party we were invited to at our friends house. We had a lot of fun. The kids swam (I think that word is funny) and we ate ribs and tri-tip. Yum. We then dropped the kids off at my moms. They wanted to spend the night, and she watches them on Monday, so it was no biggie. Katie and I drove away not knowing what to do. We were kid-less. The possibilities were endless. I headed downtown waiting for her to direct me to some place cool. She couldn't decide. So I headed to the same place I always head when I have no kids, Rick's Dessert Diner. Mmm. I love that place! We got dessert to-go and went driving around trying to find a fun place to people watch. We ended up in the parking lot of one of the nightclubs downtown. We sat there like old fatties, listening to the music and eating our dessert. It was great. We didn't really see anything interesting, but we did make up what we thought was going on inside when we heard people screaming. We were meant for each other. Then we headed home, sat in the car for awhile listening to oldies, then made our way inside, and had some much needed "alone time". It was nice, especially with the kids being gone. I am sleepy today. It was worth it. :-)

Tonight!

2010-07-09T16:51:00.000-07:00

Katie and I are taking the kids to their first concert tonight. We are going to see Travie McCoy, Kesha, and Rihanna. My mom says the kids are too young. (I think my first concert was in High School, and it was to see a Christian Band. It was very low key. My mom is a little overly paranoid.) She says: people are going to be getting high. I say: people are always getting high every where in our city. What's new?! Oh well. We shall see. Hopefully people are not lighting up joints next to us. If they are, well, at least I like the smell. Ha.

Last night...

2010-07-09T08:38:00.000-07:00

Last night was my fourth night with hardly any sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it was that I drank a soda too late on Monday. Maybe it was because Katie worked overnight Tuesday. Maybe it was because I stayed at my mom's Wednesday and slept on the couch with Marissa who kept me in a choke hold the entire night. Maybe it was because last night I was scared to be home alone with no Katie, Gabe, or Marissa so I kept myself awake thinking about things I could blog about. Or maybe it's becasue when I FINALLY fell asleep last night I kept having dreams that the kids and I were being held hostage and I was scared to death!! I don't realy know what the REAL reasons are. All I know is if I don't get some freakin' sleep soon, I am going to lose my mind. UGH!

I don't know..

2010-06-01T16:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I am feeling right now. I am feeling slightly sad, slightly needy, slightly blah. I need to be hugged. I need to be held. I need to be loved. I need something, something more than I can give myself. I guess I feel empty. Like I have this void that needs to be filled. It hit me suddenly today. Maybe it's because I have been looking up stuff about babies? Maybe it's because I was listening to stuff about gay marriage. Maybe those things made me vulnerable. Or maybe I was feeling this way already and then I searched for those things to find comfort. I can't really remember now. I think i'ts the latter, but regardless I still feel the same as I did this morning. :-(

Regrets..

2010-05-25T15:14:00.000-07:00

I read something today that truly affected me, and although the affect was sadness, I hope that the thoughts/feelings I have right now do not leave me.

I read a blog of a family that recently lived in Haiti. They were doing Mission work. They recently found out that their little girl has a really aggressive form of cancer. I began reading their story and looking back at previous entries the mom and dad had written. It was so strange to see that just a month and a half ago the little girl was running on the beach and playing with her sister. She looked perfectly fine. And then all of a sudden, she got extremely sick and would not eat or walk. Just like that. Now she is in the hospital, dying. People can leave you in an instant, without being able to say goodbye. Your precious child can be here one day, laughing, smiling, and then gone the next. I think I am wasting too much time doing nothing. If my children died today I would have many regrets. I don’t want that to happen. I want to know that if for some reason God ever decides to take my babies from me, that I did the best I could. That I gave them a great life. That I loved them and appreciated them fully. Don’t want any regrets.

Losing my fat suit..

2009-07-30T15:26:00.000-07:00

I actually joined weight watchers. I am really proud of myself. It's been one week and I have lost 4.8 pounds. Yay! The first day, they said I weighed 238.4. Ugh. I knew I had gained about 40 lbs. I was right. Well now I am a smaller 233.6. Even though it's so little, I can actually tell. My stomach is not sticking out as much as it used to. The good thing is, I still ate kinda what I wanted last week. I mean the whole point is to not only stay under your allotted points, but to also eat healthy, and don't forget about the exercising. Well, I have ate how much I should, ate a tiny bit better, and exercised a little bit more. It's progress. It's not all going to come at once, or come easy. At least I am doing something. I am hoping that I at least loose close to five pounds a week for the first month or so. Then if I loose at least 2 pounds a week after that, I will be down about 122 or so by the middle of next summer. I think I will aim for 140, and then see what happens at that point. I may not want t go any skinnier. That's about 1.5 pounds a week. I know I can do that. Even just not drinking soda would drop me down 1.5 pounds a week. God, I can't wait to be thin. I don't feel like I was meant to be a fat person. I have so much energy in my head, and so many ideas, and desires. I just can't imagine letting that all go to waste while I sit in this fat suit. It really is like a fat suit ya know. It's put on by laziness and over indulgence, and comes off with motivation, determination, and will. I just have to remember that I am in control, and that it's not going to be easy. That it's going to be a journey, and I am the only one on it with me.

Weight watchers..

2009-07-14T15:27:00.000-07:00

So I am pretty sure that I am going to join Weight Watchers. Tomorrow is the open meeting. I am going to attend it and then decide. I really do want to lose weight. The thing is, I have a problem with commitment. If I knew that all I had to do was committ for one month and I would lose all this weight, I would be all over it. I HATE making long term committments though. Especially if it's going to be hard. Which I KNOW this will be. I am going to attempt to break my addiciton to food. WHich is hard in itself, but even harder because it's what I lean on when I am sad/depressed/angry/frustrated/etc. Now, I am not going to have food as a friend. I will have to be my own friend, and really deal with my feelings. This is going to suck. Except you know what won't suck? Is when I start losing weight and feeling better about myself. WHen I was about 160lbs and a size 11, I was still miserable. I hated my body. I thought my boobs were too small, and my ass and hips were too big. I hated how big my thighs were, and I hated my cellulite on the back of my ass. I thought I looked pregnant too. I was never happy. Looking back, I looked great. I would kill for that body now. Yes, I enjoy having really big boobs, but that is the ONLY positive thing about being this big. Well, that and that I can still handle my 140lb son when he gets out of control. ANyway, I am scared. I don't like chnage, but I know that some change is good. I am just so tired of being this fat. I have gained almost 40 lbs (I think) in the last 8 months, since I have had this new job. It's no good. Bleh!

My Passion...

2009-04-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

So, I realized as I walked to work this morning that I have a passion, and it’s “thinking”. Can that be a passion? Maybe it’s not a passion because it’s sometimes involuntary, and sometimes I hate it. Maybe it’s an obsession. I definitely know it’s caused by my ADHD. I can’t stop it though. I sometimes I love it. My mind never stops. No matter what I am doing, I have fifty million thoughts running through my brain. How is that possible?

I really like to think. It’s like my passion. I really should start writing a blog religiously. Maybe I would be better. Maybe I would heal my old wounds. Maybe I would have fewer problems. Maybe it’s just all too much for my mind to keep in. Maybe all these thoughts are driving me crazy. I should write. I don’t write well though. I am not that witty or eloquent. I don’t have a big vocabulary. Why would I be writing? So that possible someone else would read it? What if no one wanted to hear what I had to say? My thoughts seem so interesting and crazy to me, but what if others were bored? How would I even find people to read my blogs? What would I write if I knew someone was reading them? Could I be myself? I think I would try to be too perfect. I never feel good enough to accomplish anything. I am trapped by my own insecurities.

I don’t know. Maybe my thoughts are not that important. What does one write about? What they think others want to hear? Or just everything they think? Or everything they feel like writing? Maybe I am making too big of a deal out of this. I should quit worrying so much. Ugh.

Change..

2009-01-16T15:12:00.000-08:00

I got new glasses today..

They are cute...but they are really hurting my head..ugh

Also..I am getting my hair done tonight..

I am excited..and scared..

I HATE and LOVE change all at the same time..

We will see..

I realized two things just now..

2009-01-16T15:10:00.000-08:00

That I feel really insecure walking and eating in front of people.

I was just walking to the copy room and popped a piece of candy in my mouth. I felt nervous about it, and self-concious. I was scared that someone was going to see me and think "Look at that fat girl stuffing her face." I wonder if people actually think that when they see me? I wonder if other girls feel the same way I do? I hate it. I hate being fat. Well...not always...I do LOVE having these huge boobs...they are kind of fun..

The other thing is..

My boss just said.."You know Kristy, I am really proud of you." And then went on to tell me why. I like to be praised. It feels very very uncomfortable, but I like it. It makes me feel good and it makes me do a better job. Also, it makes me feel extremely guilty for doing random non-work related things like blogging. That's why I am done typing...for now at least.. :-)

The beginning..

2008-08-02T15:22:00.000-07:00

Who knows what the hell to start this off with? I had an idea, but with this movie blasting in my ear, and the kids fighting, I can't really think. So, maybe later..when I can actually hear my thoughts.